The Elusive Hippopotamus


Today we will look at some key moments in the life of Hippopotamus amphibius.

The word “hippopotamus” derives from the ancient Greek ἱπποπόταμος, meaning “whore of the river” or “river-whore”.

Despite their bulbous physique, the hippo is famed for its ability to blend with the shadows and become one with the night.  Their supple thighs make them ideal predators for invertebrates that hide between rocks and tiny crevasses.  They have also been known to eat cetaceans such as whales, dolphins and your mom.

The hippopotamus is recognizable by its barrel-shaped torso, four-dimensional colon, and lateral lisp.  It is the third-largest land mammal by weight, behind the white rhinoceros and your mom.


The Birth of an Ungulate

Nearly extinct, the female hippo has adapted by giving birth once every five minutes on alternating Sundays. Few have witnessed the birth of a hippo and lived to tell about it.  The smell is legendary – some have likened it to a corpse that has just taken a shit composed of other corpses.

Moments before birth, the female hippo will detach her enormous, fanged vagina because she don’t want no part of that shit.  The vagina’s fangs and reflexive defense system make it extremely dangerous and is often mistaken for a snake that smells a little like pussy.

Once the “calf” or “whorelet” is shit-queefed out of its mother’s smelly pussy, it will lay still for quite some time as if stillborn, when in fact its just lazy and clinically depressed.

Some of this footage may be too graphic for younger viewers, so be sure to bring your children into the room because fuck ’em, they smell bad and ruined your life.


Morality and Amilcare Ponchielli –

Like most extant artiodactyls, hippos are prolific animators.  Due to the female hippo’s vestigial libido and the fact that the female hippo looks like a fucking hippo, the male is often left frustrated and unsatisfied.  This has led to the emergence of an underground subculture of rampant sexual deviancy and Italian opera.  Their low-brow smut and refined tastes have led many of their adult films to be optioned by Disney.

WARNING: These images may arouse you!


A Warrior’s Death –

Death is a public event for a hippo due to their self-centered bullshit attitude.  Ideally, dying if front of others causes such a fuss that every hippo gabs about it for ages, thus ensuring that their memory will live on.

In this rare footage we see a hippo who has just found out that all six of his sons are gay.  Right-wing and overly dramatic, he decides to commit suicide by drowning (water being poisonous to hippos), entertaining nearby spectators.


To learn more about giraffes Click Here

2 Responses

  1. Bravo. I showed pops your biology collection and it almost sent him to (the) hospital.

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