Movie Review: Kick Ass


This is what you need to know:

  1. Dialogue is worse than fucking Padame/Anakin love blabber
  2. Action sequences are truly fucking tremendous
  3. Chloe Moretz is the real deal
  4. Nicholas Cage can lick my grundle
  5. Aaron Johnson is more annoying than a zit in my dickhole
  6. I’m tempted to kill Clark Duke, cut off his sack and shove it in his mouth (theres a difference between being nerdy and making me want to kill you.  To see how it is done correctly, see spiderman 1 or 2).

So whats the verdict?  Watch all action scenes on youtube.  Watching anything else is about as fun as using a plunger on Mike’s shit.  10 minutes and you are done.  I give it a C.

5 Responses

  1. normally, when you give a movie a ‘C’ rating I’m inclined to give it an A+++.
    this time, however, I have to give Kick-Ass a B.

    I totally agree with #’s 2,3,5, and 6 – as for the rest:

    1 – nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is worse than that stinky smegma known as the Star Wars sequels. I’ve had surgeries more tolerable than that bullshit.
    If I had a choice between sitting through any of those piece-of-shit movies or being forced to eat my own taint after filing my teeth to points, I’d pick my taint every time and come back for seconds.
    Watching those “movies” is like having my inner child raped and the dialogue is like that rapist whispering vile, lascivious things in my innocent virgin ears.
    I’d sooner pick a fight with Chloe Moretz than subject myself to the wanton disregard for human decency that George Lucas queefed all over us.
    Fuck the Star Wars sequels.
    Fuck George “cum-guzzling-cunt” Lucas.
    Fuck him up his bullshit ass.
    Fuck George Lucas’ children and grandchildren.
    Fuck anyone that contributed to the Star Wars sequels and fuck their children.
    Fuck the DVD’s, fuck the Blu-rays.
    Fuck any pirated vhs copies.
    Fuck George Lucas.

    4 – I like Nicholas Cage.

    • I think you are confusing Nicholas Cage for The Car in “Gone in 60 Seconds,” or The Car in the Disney movie “Cars.” Newbie error.

      Also, Wild at Heart was good when I saw it back when I was 15. Aside from that, I *would* rather plunge your shit than watch one of his other movies for the duration. Thats a promise. At least he’s not a scientologist (I think)?

    • also, Spiderman sucked.
      All 3 of them sucked hairy crab-infested leper balls.

      except for Willem Dafoe – he’s fucking awesome no matter what

  2. The Boondock Saints II made me want to commit a felony, just so the flashbacks from being raped by a 7 foot tall black guy in jail would whitewash any memories of those two hours.
    And Willem Dafoe was awesome in that, too, even though he played a pickle nibbler.

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