Dude I had the best shit ever today


diarrheaBot: i was thinking about putting it on the blog
diarrheaBot: let me tell you about it and then you can tell me what you think
TheLordThyGod : ok go
diarrheaBot: ok so im very careful to eat lots of prunes
diarrheaBot: i eat like 4 or 5 a day
diarrheaBot: so i can stay regular and loose
diarrheaBot: got it?
TheLordThyGod : uh…yeah
diarrheaBot: ok
diarrheaBot: anyway

diarrheaBot: today it didnt work so much
diarrheaBot: so i took the biggest shit ive taken in a long time
diarrheaBot: mildly uncomfortable coming out
TheLordThyGod : one piece?
diarrheaBot: Well one really big piece
diarrheaBot: and one smaller piece
diarrheaBot: and i’m looking at what i did
diarrheaBot: and im wondering if its gonna go down, especially after the time you flooded the bathroom here
TheLordThyGod : yup
diarrheaBot: so i cross my fingers and flush
TheLordThyGod : been there
diarrheaBot: and the big shit just wedges itself in the drain and its not moving
diarrheaBot: and the water starts rising
TheLordThyGod : welcome to my world
diarrheaBot: so i quickly take the top of the bowl off so i can stop the water so i dont have to burn all my towels
TheLordThyGod : ha
diarrheaBot: but as soon as i do that, something miraculous happens
diarrheaBot: the shit (with lots of corn in it), breaks into two pieces
diarrheaBot: it was sticking up at like a 45 degre angle
diarrheaBot: and the piece that broke off starts flying around the bowl
diarrheaBot: and then it hits the piece that was stuck in the hole, and knocked it out
diarrheaBot: this is right as it was about to overflow
diarrheaBot: and so then the water starts going back down
diarrheaBot: and everything went down
diarrheaBot: it was awesome
TheLordThyGod : thats why i always take a camera in the bathroom with me, in order to document these epic events
diarrheaBot: i  know
diarrheaBot: i wish i had that on film
diarrheaBot: ill remember it till the day i die
diarrheaBot: …or tomorrow
diarrheaBot: i mean, you have big ones all the time
diarrheaBot: ever seen anything like that?
TheLordThyGod : actually…
TheLordThyGod : i once had to use the edge of a plunger to saw a massive log in half
diarrheaBot: that i remember
TheLordThyGod : yeah me too
diarrheaBot: i mean thats a different sort of epic
diarrheaBot: this one was great beacuse by some series of freak accidents it fixed itself
TheLordThyGod : clearly i dont have god on my side
diarrheaBot: i wonder why
TheLordThyGod : i just have some shit-imp
diarrheaBot: haha
diarrheaBot: so im just gonna copy and paste this into the blog then
TheLordThyGod : why not
diarrheaBot: except ill replace your name with your blog name
diarrheaBot: anyway
diarrheaBot: i also had a friend who stuffed the toilet in a friends house
diarrheaBot: like bad
diarrheaBot: in the middle of the night
TheLordThyGod : yeah, youre talking to him
diarrheaBot: and there was no plunger
diarrheaBot: haha
diarrheaBot: this was a kid from camp
diarrheaBot: and so the only thing he could find without waking anyone was a pen
diarrheaBot: so he takes the pen and starts shoving it into the hole
diarrheaBot: like his hand totally in the water
TheLordThyGod : ugh
diarrheaBot: so he could break it up
diarrheaBot: how nasty is that
TheLordThyGod : so nasty i almost stopped fapping
diarrheaBot: like i was amazed his hands didnt end up looking like freddy kreuger hands afterwards
diarrheaBot: i think thats what happens
diarrheaBot: ive heard that
TheLordThyGod : like its cursed
diarrheaBot: god cant want us doing that
TheLordThyGod : even the shit-imp doesnt like that
diarrheaBot: no
diarrheaBot: even the imps draw a line somewhere
TheLordThyGod : even though they draw that line with shit
diarrheaBot: thats true
diarrheaBot: but nobody is touching it with their bare hands
diarrheaBot: did you know theres a medical name for the first shit a baby makes
TheLordThyGod : i didnt
diarrheaBot: yeah i forgot what it is now but my friend in med school told me about it
diarrheaBot: they said sometimes it doesnt wanna come out so they use a thermometer
TheLordThyGod : oh no
diarrheaBot: so i said its like getting the first ketchup out of a bottle
TheLordThyGod : i literally have ketchup in my mouth right now
diarrheaBot: meconium
diarrheaBot: thats what its called
diarrheaBot: hahahaahahahahahah
TheLordThyGod : im eating chicken fingers which are starting to look like little turds
diarrheaBot: hahahahahahahaah
diarrheaBot: it is said to be “tarry and black”
diarrheaBot: “Multiple color and color-changing poop – as long as the colors are listed above (sans meconium reference), there’s nothing to worry about. Baby poop changes colors on a frighteningly regular basis.”
TheLordThyGod : thats fucking weird
diarrheaBot: yeah well you know
diarrheaBot: things arent exactly working 100% yet
diarrheaBot: and then they get back to like 25% when youre our age
TheLordThyGod : Louis CK does a bit about changing his daughters diaper and says her shit looks like the shit of a 40 year old alcoholic
diarrheaBot: hahaha thats awesome
diarrheaBot: you can get back to borderlands now if you like
TheLordThyGod : i will
TheLordThyGod : thank you
diarrheaBot: k

3 Responses

  1. after a dump like that, I bet you had to dab for a few days, rather than the standard wipe.

  2. Speaking of over analysis…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regulate_(song)#Synopsis

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