The Life-Cycle of the Modern Giraffe


A Failed Conception –

Like most ungulate mammals, giraffes are known for their inability to mate.  Some believe this is the cause for their decline in numbers despite many arguments saying that doesn’t make sense.

Due to a lack of offspring to tend their farms and feed their livestock, many giraffes have resorted to performing public sex shows in order to make ends meet.

Below is a video of a giraffe sex show.  You can hear the heckles of onlookers as the male giraffe attempts to mount the unattractive female.

It is recommended that you invite your children into the room as these videos may scar them for life.:


A Troubled Life –

The “awkward years” for a giraffe begin at birth and continue through adulthood.

The species name for the giraffe is camelopardalis, which means “camel/leopard”.  An accurate description considering that giraffes share a camel’s 3-tiered stomach, odorous genital sack, hatred of foreigners, and a leopard’s spots.

This unfortunate amalgamation of species has led anger, bitterness, and depression to be the dominant personality traits in most city-dwelling giraffes.

Due to their increased anger and aggression, many giraffes have resorted to violence in order to resolve conflicts and political debates regarding whether or not the Palestinian Authority should have been allowed to take over administrative authority of the Gaza Strip in keeping with the Oslo Accords in 1994.

Below is a video of one giraffe that believes the other giraffe is its reflection.  Let’s watch as it tries to kill itself.:


A Painful Death –

If a giraffe is lucky enough to avoid one of the many STD’s running rampant throughout its society, it will most likely die of shame when confronted with the knowledge that it has been a giraffe all its life.

But there are other dangers that threaten the “lives” of giraffes all over the world and Mexico.  Evil white men on safari will often toss young lions at giraffes, knowing they will be thankful as lion is a delicacy (known as “Shakayla” in Raffe-speak).  Unfortunately, lions have teeth and claws whereas giraffes have a lack of confidence.  The outcome is always the same.

There are efforts to protect and revitalize the giraffe community.  Most notable is that of A-list Hollywood actor Mario Van Peebles (star of such films as ‘Solo‘ and ‘The Hebrew Hammer‘).  Mr. Van Peebles has raised over 1 million dollars to get ‘Solo’ released on BluRay DVD format and says that eventually he’ll “get to the whole giraffe thing [sic]”.


To learn more about giraffes, visit your local house of worship.

2 Responses

  1. […] here to read the rest: The Life-Cycle of the Modern Giraffe « WastingTimeWithMikeAndAri Tags: accurate-description, Giraffes, odorous-genital, species-name — Comments […]

  2. Dude you have to do more of these.
    I laughed my ass off reading this over and over.

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