Do: try to look like a Yeti

Vice Dos and Don’ts compilation:

Being a sculpture at an old lady’s house is about as original as it gets.

Being a sculpture at an old lady’s house is about as original as it gets.

DO: Just before Neil Armstrong got back into his spacecraft, he chugged a beer, threw the bottle into a crater, and said, “Moon, you da man!”

DON’T: When a gay guy is checking you out you know you’re hot. When a straight guy who dresses gay is checking you out it makes you want to feed your eyeballs to a badger.

DO: Whenever some old fart starts bitching about how Korea is America’s “forgotten war” it just makes us think of our nation’s real unappreciated heroes: The veterans of the TransXanthian Star-Incident on Rigel VII.

DON’T: Um, I don’t know if you grew up on Dune or something, but here on Earth we try not to dress like a literal bullseye for muggers. Also we’re pretty big on this thing we call “genders.”

DO: There are two options for 5s to get laid: You can either spend all your money on makeup and beauty treatments and struggle against fate to bump yourself up to a 6 or you can turn yourself into a funny little cartoon lady and make guys wonder so hard what your vagina looks like that it feels like we’re trying to hold in a diahrrea.

DON’T: Can you imagine being this guy’s pubes?

DO: God is a goddamn asshole. Remember when you were 14 and all you did was beat off and dream of the day one of these would be in your life? What a waste of tens of thousands of boners.

DO: It’s heartwarming to know that girls are just as willing as guys to fart in their passed-out friends’ faces. It also makes me curiously randy.

DON’T: Eeeew. When European filmmaker baby boomers get drunk and horny you can smell their unkempt genitalia from across even the smokiest of rooms.

If you want a turn signal

you just need to duct-tape a monkey out there too:

You suck at life

You suck at life

ThereIFixedIt, from Wired.