How does two weeks of getting by on Dark Age hygiene work out?
By day 4, I had a pretty good goat going. Nothing crazy, but enough to make folks sitting near me ask “Who’s smoking weed?” anytime my coworker’s desk fan passed over my armpit. While the medieval consensus was to let this sort of small shit slide, the Egyptians used little balls of porridge as deodorant. Seeing as how they built the pyramids instead of a bunch of lousy churches, I decided to go with them on this one.
Medieval Slimes over at Vice.
A Failed Conception –
Like most ungulate mammals, giraffes are known for their inability to mate. Some believe this is the cause for their decline in numbers despite many arguments saying that doesn’t make sense.
Due to a lack of offspring to tend their farms and feed their livestock, many giraffes have resorted to performing public sex shows in order to make ends meet.
Below is a video of a giraffe sex show. You can hear the heckles of onlookers as the male giraffe attempts to mount the unattractive female.
It is recommended that you invite your children into the room as these videos may scar them for life.:
A Troubled Life -
The “awkward years” for a giraffe begin at birth and continue through adulthood.
The species name for the giraffe is camelopardalis, which means “camel/leopard”. An accurate description considering that giraffes share a camel’s 3-tiered stomach, odorous genital sack, hatred of foreigners, and a leopard’s spots.
This unfortunate amalgamation of species has led anger, bitterness, and depression to be the dominant personality traits in most city-dwelling giraffes.
Due to their increased anger and aggression, many giraffes have resorted to violence in order to resolve conflicts and political debates regarding whether or not the Palestinian Authority should have been allowed to take over administrative authority of the Gaza Strip in keeping with the Oslo Accords in 1994.
Below is a video of one giraffe that believes the other giraffe is its reflection. Let’s watch as it tries to kill itself.:
A Painful Death -
If a giraffe is lucky enough to avoid one of the many STD’s running rampant throughout its society, it will most likely die of shame when confronted with the knowledge that it has been a giraffe all its life.
But there are other dangers that threaten the “lives” of giraffes all over the world and Mexico. Evil white men on safari will often toss young lions at giraffes, knowing they will be thankful as lion is a delicacy (known as “Shakayla” in Raffe-speak). Unfortunately, lions have teeth and claws whereas giraffes have a lack of confidence. The outcome is always the same.
There are efforts to protect and revitalize the giraffe community. Most notable is that of A-list Hollywood actor Mario Van Peebles (star of such films as ‘Solo‘ and ‘The Hebrew Hammer‘). Mr. Van Peebles has raised over 1 million dollars to get ‘Solo’ released on BluRay DVD format and says that eventually he’ll “get to the whole giraffe thing [sic]“.
To learn more about giraffes, visit your local house of worship.
This high-quality sleeping bag looks just like a Tauntaun, complete with saddle, [and] printed internal intestines
I believe this was originally an April fools joke that then exploded in popularity that they ended up having to make it. Not at all cheap at $100, but its so fucking clever it might almost be worth it.
Get your drool going over at ThinkGeek.
Excellent! Fictional cartoon millionaire Charles Montgomery Burns scored the most write-in votes for mayor of New York, collecting 25, according to Board of Elections data.
Seems like alot of people are picking up on this sentiment – here’s a song by LCD Soundsystem covered by Kermit that puts it well:
As far as I’m concerned, Tel-Aviv eclipsed Manhattan as my favorite city in the world.
But Esquire telling dbag guys to go to a Phish concert?
First of all, obviously the mag’s and Phish’s audience don’t jive at all.
Second of all, aren’t you like a dozen years late?
And, by and large, Phish is still not for me. But if you like Music — even if you’ve never driven a used Volvo, covered something with bumper stickers, owned several pairs of worn-down corduroys, attended an AP anything class, or smoked pot indoors with 20,000 people — you should see them play live at some point.
Oh wow – I’m sure that took a long time to come up with. That’s like saying I hung out with some Jews and we ate bagels.
I haven’t really listened to Phish or been in the scene for ten years, but still, I’m gonna call these guys Assholes.