“A tragedy is a representation of an action that is whole and complete and of a certain magnitude. A whole is what has a beginning and middle and end.”
The future is a mystery of infinite unknowns. There are those who imagine the future to be a paradise of technological wonders catering to your every need, while others hope it will be a sexual cavalcade of sin and depravity involving coital accessories blacklisted on 12 planets including Alpha Sex Vegas. Whether its galactic wars or alien sodomites, its important to prepare ourselves for whatever the future may hold.
So let us look back with foreknowledge, and as always we encourage you to invite your children into the room because you can’t hit them from all the way over there.
- The Convenience of Daily Life -
As expected, vending machine technology dominated the public interest for the better part of the 23rd century (the 25th century in 28th-century-speak). After the Great War of 1348 B.F., it was decided that genetically enhancing vending machines was vital to the survival of mankind. When it was finally agreed upon that only some of the machines would be endowed with male and female genitalia, the plan was set in motion. Naturally, there were mistakes.
Below is a video of one vending machine that inexplicably developed emotion and learned to love. The video shows the machine emoting via hand gestures and the release of offensive pheromones. It was a glorious day when this abomination unto the Lord was exorcised in the name of Crozor, God of Testicular Wealth, praise be His name.:
- Hazards -
Unfortunately, its not all fun and games in the future. In the third winter of the year 26H8, the Bureaucratic Inter-Terrestrial Council of Hawt abolished the Porno-Fountain, inciting the 2nd greatest nude-riot ever seen in the last 13 months. Then, in the Fifth Cycle of the Blaxican Wolf, refugees from the Outer Rim attempted to oust the High Council. They were slain in the name of Crozor, glory unto Him.
The greatest danger to the future occurred in the midst of the Sunny-Side Uprisings in the Eighth Quarter of the Weinstein Dynasty when government officials enacted a Super-Soldier program for children. However, thanks to some dude something happened blah blah blah watch the video:
Aliens play an important role in future society. Not only do they make excellent gardeners and sell oranges by the intergalactic freeway, they also helped humans to put aside their differences and focus all their hate on those who were truly different.
Approximately 3 weeks before the end of the universe, a race of rockin’ lizard-men emerged from the chaotic wastescape known as Finland, heralding the arrival of Crozor and his Twin Balls which will teabag existence into oblivion. All Hail Crozor.
- The Last Relic of a Lost Past
After the Great Fire of Yestermorrow, almost all information on the past was lost or turned into made-for-TV movies that no one watches. For many years historians came to believe the past never existed. It wasn’t until the mass excavation of Uranus – ha! – that a video of escaped mental patients was discovered. The video clearly shows disturbed individuals suffering from involuntary spasms and poor fashion sense. After this discovery, many religions worshiping these insane dervishes arose, but they were smitten in the name of Crozor, blessings be upon Him.:
To learn more about the future, don’t die.
Ok so if we have 3 fat flygirls who can’t dance, and are dancing like hoochies to a 2 minute song inspired by a nursery rhyme that must have been written in 10 seconds, how do we fix it?
ADD A BEEFDANCER one of the old bluehairs says. THATS WHAT THEYRE CALLED RIGHT? Everyone agrees.
Now listen, I’m the biggest Chevy fanboy ever… but this shit just cannot continue.
Instead of this, a big neon sign that just said:
“Chevy Volt – it will give you gonorrhea.”
Would have done just fine, thanks.
A biologist walks into a comedy club. How does the story end? That stumped Dr. Lee, and he said he would think about it.
A couple of days later, he sent an e-mail message with this response: “A biologist walks into a comedy club. The owner asks, ‘Why’d you select this club?’ Biologist says, ‘Well, it was the natural selection.’ ”
Early into his career as a yakuza underling, Ishi discovered a severed finger wrapped in paper on his desk. Later, after discovering that it had belonged to his best friend, he decided to leave the yakuza and cut ties with the criminal underworld.