Skeletons in Ari’s closet part 2 – Magic: The Gathering

Ok, so if you’re reading this, my guess is you already know what Magic: The Gathering is.

If not, its kind of Dungeons and Dragons crossed with baseball cards. On a turn, a player may say something like:

I’ll tap 2 mountains, Urza’s Mine, and Urza’s Power Plant, and Urza’s Tower to summon a Bogardan Hellkite, and do five damage to your Avatar of Woe as it comes into play. Shit you’re in trouble now!

Any instants to put on the stack in response?

No.

Ok, then I’m going to declare my attack phase.

Ok.

I will attack with my Desolation Giant.

Ok, I take 3.

Or looks something like:

In case you are wondering, there are plastic protectors on all the cards… because they are so precious.

And so on… the more you learn about it, the more embarrassing it gets. The introductory rule book is dozens of pages, and thats just enough to get you to play on a basic level. The rules are so complex that there are literally different levels of judges organized by a sanctioning body, and you have to pass tests to move from level to level. I could compare being a Magic judge to being a Mandarin in ancient China, or an actual lawyer. You can generally tell how important any tournament is by the highest level judge at the event. Ridiculous right? I mean these people are lawyers in a made up game.

Mike and I used to play this all the time in high school. I generally beat his ass, since I was a serious tournament player, usually in at least one a week. Of course, that makes it even worse.

When I went to college, I became a closet Magic player, fearing that people would understand what a loser-tool I actually am. I did things like join a non-nerd fraternity (I swear, it was the coolest on campus, aside from half the brothers being gay). Gradually, Magic became less and less a part of my life, but the fact is that it will always be something that haunts me. I always live in the fear that whenever I have friends over they may stumble over the hundreds of cards in my Magic collection.

Of course I can’t get rid of them: