- Leaving dogshit on the sidewalk: In a country that is perpetually between 85 and 3,000 degrees farenheit, there is absolutely no way this is ok. If it were Alaska and -15 degrees out, the shit would be frozen, and I would be wearing boots. What happens when you’re wearing sandals and step on dogshit on a hot sidewalk? Two options: either its old and turns into dust and sticks to your sweaty leg (you are wearing shorts), or its fresh and mushes over the sandal, in between your toes. Which one happens to you? The one that disgusts you more.
- Naked kids at the beach/pool: Am I the only person that this makes uncomfortable? Listen, I’m not really ok with seeing any naked people at the beach unless they are sweet milfs. I definitely don’t want to see a 6 year old boy (or girl) running around naked. If your kid is over a year old, make sure they are clothed at all times with at least something. Its making me feel weird.
- Grape smugglers: Don’t wear them. If you are over 29 and have more than 1% body fat, you should be thrown in jail for this. I’m giving you that much because if I had a body someone actually wanted to look at, I’d show it off too. If you are 56 and 271 lbs, nobody wants to see the contour of your balls and cold water shrunk penis. Either you are ruining someone elses day, or you are getting laughed at; which happens depends on how that person deals with the tragedy of seeing that much of your disgusting body.
- Stray cats: First of all, the stray cats in this country are not cute. They all look like they got in a fight with a food processor and lost. Just looking at them makes me feel like I have contracted at least three untreatable diseases. The best thing would be to get your act together and euthanize them. If not, fine. BUT WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE FOOD OUT FOR STRAYS HERE. First of all, seeing a turkey neck and a goat spleen sitting on the sidewalk is disgusting. Second of all it just helps keep cats around that wake me up at 3:30 am while they are raping each other.
- Lines: They are there for a reason. You got here after me, so I get to go first. Don’t try and cut me – are we in first grade? Also, don’t give me a classic Israeli freak out when I confront you about it. Also, don’t look at me like I’M the one who did something wrong and that you are shocked when I confront you about it.
- Being on hold: If you are on hold with any company here, you probably will be long dead and gone in the earth before someone actually picks up the phone. If you are on the phone with HOT, you may want to set up a clause in your will that puts one of your grandchildren on the line you were holding. Maybe THEIR grandchild will actually get through and figure out that extra 15 shekel VOD charge you got on your bill.
- Scooters: These are subject to the same traffic laws as cars, so if you want to go the wrong way on a one way street, going 45 mph up the sidewalk is not a clever solution. Also, stop loading your scooter up with your dog, a mirror, groceries, a Philipino worker, and that ridiculous windshield you put on the front. It doesn’t fit, or if it does I guarantee you at least had to leave your dignity on the sidewalk to get everything else in.
- Arabs: Clearly.
- Ultra-Orthodox Jews: If you have a job, and are self sufficient, this is less of an issue, but I guarantee you God didn’t put you on this earth to bother people for change instead of actually having a job. God doesn’t want anyone to be a social parasite. If I believed your prayers actually worked and #7 wasn’t an issue, I would cut you a break, but we all know that hasn’t exactly worked out. Also, if you want to have 26 children, at least make sure your 4 year old isn’t taking care of your 2 year old triplets. That doesn’t work. Also, wipe their noses more often. Its gross.
- Hair dye: There is no human on earth that has hair that is flourescent orange, or burgandy. If you can’t afford a decent hair dye, I feel for you. Just leave it white, grey, or whatever. Believe me, it looks fine. When the color of your hair looks like it was dyed with chemicals that came out of the Manhattan Project or Los Alamos, nobody is thinking “wow, that looks great.”
- Playing terrible American music on the radio (especially rap): This is extra bad because most people don’t even know what the song is about. Do you realize you just listened to a song about having sex with a random girl in a club? Even worse, I heard “Push push in the bush” on the bus the other day. On the Army radio station. I felt Rod Serling was about to slide over and announce that I was in the Twilight Zone.
Don’t get me wrong – I love it here. This shit just had to go, not yesterday, but 60 years ago. Lets do this people.
Filed under: Ari Ruined Christmas, Civil Rights, Diarrhea, God, Jews, No, original, Out of Control, revenge!, shhh!, Shit For Brains, Stuff | Tagged: arabs, bad hair dye, Culture, grape smugglers, Israel, Israeli, lines, scooters, stereotypes, stray cats, ultra orthodox jews, ישראל, ישראלי, תרבות | 7 Comments »